Having trouble deciphering those real estate ads? Here’s what they REALLY mean:

Move-in condition = front door is missing

Light, open spaces = many holes in the walls

In-city oasis = a swamp

All original = original mold, original termites

Territorial views = sweeping view of neighbor’s blackberry bushes and rusty car collection

Close to busses = the bus stop is at your front door

Retro = orange shag carpet, avocado appliances and dark wood paneling

Wide-open floor plan = previous owner removed supporting walls

Outstanding = sticks out like a sore thumb

Convenient = located on a freeway entrance ramp

Cozy = oversized doghouse

Lower level family room = Ping-pong table over sewer opening

Gardener’s paradise = chiropractor’s meal-ticket

Gourmet kitchen = includes cutting board

Convenient to shopping = is located in a Safeway parking lot

Modern appliances = includes flushing toilet

Mountain view = from a tiptoed stance atop the chimney

Doll House = big enough for Barbie (sans Ken)

Unique floor plan = kitchen is in the living room

Just needs your personal touches = i.e., walls

Fixer = faux foundation

Handyman’s dream = Joe Blow’s nightmare

Mint = someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet

Sweat Equity = you’re in a for a real stinker